A Crossover, A Deeper Hope
This past weekend I have experienced a crossing ove of sorts. Today Sarah is six weeks old, smiling, making communicating noises ( she has a distinct cute sound for, "Please put my bink back in my mouth.") and a lot more eye contact. Before this weekend though I have been growing a new kind of love born of our time together, I think Saturday was the day I accepted that she is really here and I allowed myself to really bask in that love.
Up until that point, I think I really kept her in the same place as Adam and Charis. I miss them so much, wish I was looking into their eyes, experiencing the blossoming of their personalities. Adam would be two and Charis would be seven months. I think of them with a mixture of joy and sadness. I am eagerly waiting the time I can see them face to face and hold them in my arms. With the experience of forced unexpected goodbyes, I had my trust shaken. So with Sarah, I think I just couldn't believe she is really here. Spending almost three years working towards this goal and having my heart broken twice, its a mind set that sticks. So, I admit the full process of letting go the mentality of wanting and embracing the experience of having has really taken until Saturday. Some may read this and think I'm crazy or maybe even had a kind of postpartum depression. Do know, that I have in no way been unhappy this last six weeks. My love for this precious little princess has been growing like a seed then a stem that has now blossomed. I knew I loved Sarah but until now, I didn't really grasp the magnitude. I hadn't embraced it.
This morning as I held Sarah as she slept; glider reclined, Sarah swaddled laying on her belly, head rested on my shoulder nuzzled under my chin, I really got it. I am so excited about what I can bring to her development, to the person God will grow her into. I look at it as me being the primary tool for her growth, but I am a tool none the less. God is the one who wields the tools, not me. I have already had to go to God praying about what choices are the right ones and I'm sure I will ware a hole in the floor of His thrown room where my knees rest before its all said and done. My prayer is for by the time we gather in Heaven, there be another well worn place beside me where her knees kneel. That is my prayer.
Up until that point, I think I really kept her in the same place as Adam and Charis. I miss them so much, wish I was looking into their eyes, experiencing the blossoming of their personalities. Adam would be two and Charis would be seven months. I think of them with a mixture of joy and sadness. I am eagerly waiting the time I can see them face to face and hold them in my arms. With the experience of forced unexpected goodbyes, I had my trust shaken. So with Sarah, I think I just couldn't believe she is really here. Spending almost three years working towards this goal and having my heart broken twice, its a mind set that sticks. So, I admit the full process of letting go the mentality of wanting and embracing the experience of having has really taken until Saturday. Some may read this and think I'm crazy or maybe even had a kind of postpartum depression. Do know, that I have in no way been unhappy this last six weeks. My love for this precious little princess has been growing like a seed then a stem that has now blossomed. I knew I loved Sarah but until now, I didn't really grasp the magnitude. I hadn't embraced it.
This morning as I held Sarah as she slept; glider reclined, Sarah swaddled laying on her belly, head rested on my shoulder nuzzled under my chin, I really got it. I am so excited about what I can bring to her development, to the person God will grow her into. I look at it as me being the primary tool for her growth, but I am a tool none the less. God is the one who wields the tools, not me. I have already had to go to God praying about what choices are the right ones and I'm sure I will ware a hole in the floor of His thrown room where my knees rest before its all said and done. My prayer is for by the time we gather in Heaven, there be another well worn place beside me where her knees kneel. That is my prayer.
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