Not alone
Monday and Tuesday I was able to spend some time with friends in Hampton. I really enjoyed the kick off Tuesday morning for the Beth Moore study of the Tabernacle. I have to say seeing all those dear wonderful ladies was like espresso shots to my spirit. As I go through the process of finding my place here in Richmond, it is great to reconnect with so many women who are so dear to my heart. Especially since I miss my family so. I can't wait until Thanksgiving when I can see my family.
This leads me to what I wanted to blog about. It's actually something I really feel led to share. It's about the fear of being left out, left behind, and forgotten. I want to be a little vulnerable.
Moving to a new place is not easy. I don't think I even slept very well last night. I think that D was about ready to go to the guest bedroom. I tossed and turned all night. Over the last few weeks, being in this new place, my fear of being left out, left behind, and forgotten has been very acute. D had a week off before he started his new job and then he went off to work leaving me to work on the house by myself. He helps of course when he is off work, but the being with out him all day isn't ever easy for me. It was rather disconcerting what was a team effort became a me effort that first day.
Before that even, I was very sad to leave Hampton because of all that I had there. I had just gotten a job as a marketing assistant at the Care Net Recourse Pregnancy Center I had been volunteering at. D and I had started leading the college age singles Sunday School. I had a lot of very good friends that have proved over the last few years they are precious gifts of God.
Moving to our new home has been an experience that has challenged how I define my identity. I feel somewhat left behind with D going to work. I am afraid of being forgotten by friends. I feel left out being a woman with out work or a ministry.
I don't tell you this to complain and never never to make any one feel bad. I want to share this because I know that I am not the only one afraid of these three things. D told me that being left behind and forgotten is a real fear that men live with as well. I know that I am starting new at the Pregnancy Center in Richmond (I start their training tomorrow), not starting over, just starting new.
Well, this last week, I hungered after God like a wee hungry babe. I was very eager to get to church and fellowship. I think I cried my way through the singing part of the service. I didn't want to cry but I knew that the only way to stop would have been to cut myself off from my fellowship with the Holy Spirit. I didn't want to do that. Besides, I think that there is to much coldness in the world, to much holding back, being strong, putting up guards, being the tough guy. That's how we can be in a group of people and feel so alone. I know people like that, who withdraw behind a wall. For some who have been hurt I can understand the wall, but when it becomes an expected norm, that scares me. Maybe my tears, excitement, joy and sadness can remind people we are not alone in this crowded place.
The grand point of my fear of these things has made me vulnerable to something else infinitely more precious and more dear to my soul. I know that I will never be forgotten, I am loved and it isn't just being loved by my dear friends and my precious family. I am loved by God Himself, the Creator of all things, above all time and material knowledge. He won't forget me. What makes this place I am in okay. I have a better awareness that Jesus does not want to be forgotten. He died for us and He does not want us to forget this or forget sharing it. If I were forgotten it would be a sad thing, but if Jesus were forgotten... well, we can rest assured it will never happen. I just know that Jesus died for us and I know I am going to be with Him for eternity. I pray very much for those who don't have this eternal comfort. They, you, them, those, him, her are to precious to be forgotten, left out, left behind.
That is why I share what I share here. I am willing to risk hurting feelings, being brash or falling out of the norm because all of you and all of "them" mean more to me than my fear of rejection. I have had quite a few times when I have learned later that I should have been less afraid. Others would have benefited.
This leads me to what I wanted to blog about. It's actually something I really feel led to share. It's about the fear of being left out, left behind, and forgotten. I want to be a little vulnerable.
Moving to a new place is not easy. I don't think I even slept very well last night. I think that D was about ready to go to the guest bedroom. I tossed and turned all night. Over the last few weeks, being in this new place, my fear of being left out, left behind, and forgotten has been very acute. D had a week off before he started his new job and then he went off to work leaving me to work on the house by myself. He helps of course when he is off work, but the being with out him all day isn't ever easy for me. It was rather disconcerting what was a team effort became a me effort that first day.
Before that even, I was very sad to leave Hampton because of all that I had there. I had just gotten a job as a marketing assistant at the Care Net Recourse Pregnancy Center I had been volunteering at. D and I had started leading the college age singles Sunday School. I had a lot of very good friends that have proved over the last few years they are precious gifts of God.
Moving to our new home has been an experience that has challenged how I define my identity. I feel somewhat left behind with D going to work. I am afraid of being forgotten by friends. I feel left out being a woman with out work or a ministry.
I don't tell you this to complain and never never to make any one feel bad. I want to share this because I know that I am not the only one afraid of these three things. D told me that being left behind and forgotten is a real fear that men live with as well. I know that I am starting new at the Pregnancy Center in Richmond (I start their training tomorrow), not starting over, just starting new.
Well, this last week, I hungered after God like a wee hungry babe. I was very eager to get to church and fellowship. I think I cried my way through the singing part of the service. I didn't want to cry but I knew that the only way to stop would have been to cut myself off from my fellowship with the Holy Spirit. I didn't want to do that. Besides, I think that there is to much coldness in the world, to much holding back, being strong, putting up guards, being the tough guy. That's how we can be in a group of people and feel so alone. I know people like that, who withdraw behind a wall. For some who have been hurt I can understand the wall, but when it becomes an expected norm, that scares me. Maybe my tears, excitement, joy and sadness can remind people we are not alone in this crowded place.
The grand point of my fear of these things has made me vulnerable to something else infinitely more precious and more dear to my soul. I know that I will never be forgotten, I am loved and it isn't just being loved by my dear friends and my precious family. I am loved by God Himself, the Creator of all things, above all time and material knowledge. He won't forget me. What makes this place I am in okay. I have a better awareness that Jesus does not want to be forgotten. He died for us and He does not want us to forget this or forget sharing it. If I were forgotten it would be a sad thing, but if Jesus were forgotten... well, we can rest assured it will never happen. I just know that Jesus died for us and I know I am going to be with Him for eternity. I pray very much for those who don't have this eternal comfort. They, you, them, those, him, her are to precious to be forgotten, left out, left behind.
That is why I share what I share here. I am willing to risk hurting feelings, being brash or falling out of the norm because all of you and all of "them" mean more to me than my fear of rejection. I have had quite a few times when I have learned later that I should have been less afraid. Others would have benefited.
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