One in our arms, two in Jesus'

Things move forward here in our home, but last night they just kinda stopped for Dan and me. Very dear friends of ours, excited as they have only just found out they were expecting a short time ago that this time it just wasn't to be. An ultra sound showed no heart beat. I refrain from sharing their names because really, it isn't my news to announce.

I mention it because what I wouldn't share with them, I want to share here. I would never launch into my own experience with a grieving parent. Trust me, thats the last thing a person wants is to hear someone elses story, to bare another's burden amidst their own.

I have been thinking lately about my own Adam and Charis. Some of you have been with this blog (or longer if you know me personally) that you remember those times, when Dan and I were super excited and then greiving all in one day as it so happens sometimes.

Dan and I reminisced last night about when we lost Adam. We had just started our second trimester. The last couple weeks were particularely rough, my body felt out of wack. I didn't know better. My belly was getting very obviously pregnant at only 13 weeks. Dan found out he had to go to Iraq in November. It was only August. Two weeks after that news, we headed to the military hospital sure the spotting was nothing. As we sat in the little white room we made up children's songs, made up rhymes to, "Down by the Bay". Then we heard it, no heart beat. There never was one. We had lost our baby at six or seven weeks. I was at thirteen weeks. That is a long time. Adam had slipped away and we didn't even know it. How much happened in that time? I went to Arizona and Nags Head to name a couple.

Little known fact, my dad has never been wrong when he has said whether a woman was having a boy or a girl. Nine out of nine so far. So when he said we were going to have a boy, well, we didn't argue. Adam is Dan's middle name.

At first we felt alone. I didn't really know anyone who had miscarried. I was so wrong. It wasn't about who had a miscarriage, the question was, who hadn't had a miscarriage. Woman after woman admited to me they also had had a miscarriage, some muliple miscarriages. I was floored. I don't know any statistics but I can tell you between that August to December I knew thirteen pregnant women. Nine of them miscarried or lost their baby later in their pregnancy.

I vowed at that point that not only would Adam not be forgotten, no woman I knew was going to have a miscarriage and feel like they were the only one. I got super vocal. I believe it was one of the reasons this blog became so important to me. It became my voice, it became Adam's voice.

Dan went to Iraq. I believe it was when I grew the most as an adult. Having never been alone, lived alone, I grew a lot. We canceled cable before Dan left because I knew I could just lose myself in it, just spend six months watching TV.

Dan came home and that summer, got out of the Air Force, we moved. I got us settled in at home as Dan got settled in at a new job. Stress was there trying to get pregnant again. After a miscarriage that can really consume you. That December 2006 I started working for an insurance company. After my first couple interviews I found out I was pregnant. We were so excited. I waited until after out first ultra sound to tell my new co-workers. We were stoked to see a heart beat and a little movement.

I loved being pregnant. I was the only married person there and pregnant. It made me the Den Mother. I was like super woman. It was a difficult working environment for this sheltered little good Christian girl. I loved it though, and I loved my co-workers.

I went into work at eight weeks and before I even started for the day, I was spotting. Dan and I went to the doctors. They gave us an ultra sound just to ease our minds. No more heart beat. That explains why I had started showing so early again.

Military hospital with Adam, I didn't have an ultra sound with Adam so I won't ever know if there was a heart beat. I also had to do the miscarriage naturally. That I won't share, but I can definitly say I would never, NEVER recommend that ever! It was awful. Enought said. This time we had a D&C. The morning of the procedure, I went into the room meant to be the nursery and read a children's book I had bought to her. It was over and we went home. Dad had said our baby was a girl, so we named her Charis, Greek for Grace.

I didn't do to good after that. Depression seeped in like rain through the cracks in a poorly built house. It brewed under the surface as I tried to stay strong, tried to move on.

Like that one chapter in Lamentations that is praise, I had a moment after that at the insurance company. I worked with a woman a little younger than me. She was worried she was pregnant, her life's circumstances weren't to great, the guy she lived with, a bum. As she contemplated her options and her future, one of them being an abortion. God's supernatural power was clearly with me because I was able to be there for her, listen, give support and just love her there in that time in her life. Looking back, I know it wasn't my words or my comfort she felt. I had none to give. It was however the Holy Spirit inside of me. We both were listening to Him that day.

I quite working after that, didn't even give a two weeks. I was at a low point. I wish I could see those people again, explain it to them. Some how I feel like I abandoned them. They were important to me. I think I was important to them too.

We fired our doctor after she simply refused to do any testing on Charis or me saying she would if I miscarried again. We found a new doctor, Dr. Victoria Davis. She is an amazing doctor. Emmediately she drew up some blood work. It was Folic Acid deficiency. So I started taking my elephant's share of folic acid.

Dan and I found out we were pregnant on Fathers Day. After a pregnancy with spotting, bed rest, a few times in the hospital, we have Sarah Grace.

We get asked if Sarah is our first. We say yes. Its just easier. She is our third though. We have three children; one in our arms, two in Jesus' arms.