I was not made for here.

I have a confession to make. For the last six or so months I have struggled with whether to keep my blog. I have on several occasions been on the verge of quitting all together. At one point I dropped the followers part of my blog due to a little online spat I had with a grandma blogger (would I really argue with a grandma face to face, then again would a grandma actually say what she said when face to face? No grandma I know would.)

I've struggled with my own narcisism fighting with my insecurity fighting with what ever humility I have fighting with my sin nature fighting with my desire to make God known fighting with my desire to be known. Ugh! Is that confusing? I thought so!

Then a pastor's wife I knew years ago before we both moved away to other cities posted this post on her blog regarding a recent article speculating on the health of our relationships and friendships in relation to Facebook. This quote hit one serious cord in me:

"Do we all realize, for example, when exactly it is that we reveal information to show off? To vent? To gain social or intellectual standing? To manipulate? To intentionally stir up trouble? Are we building up our Facebook friends for the express purpose (consciously or unconsciously) of guaranteeing a built-in audience with whom we can indulge our increasingly narcissistic tendencies? In our clamor to be known, appreciated and seen on social networking sites, are some of us becoming relationship consumers rather than nurturers?"

I commented on Cayce's post that this post said what I had been thinking for months.

Then I closed my computer, walked away and really got to thinking about it.

I may agree with parts of this article but it isn't what you think. I read a bit more of the article:

"If previous generations haven't held on to every single human being they've met since kindergarten, then why do many of us seem to feel the need to do so today? Shouldn't some of our relationships slip away so that others can thrive?"

Previous generations didn't have the luxury of Facebook, that is why, or blogs, or myspace, or whatever. All joking aside though, every thing it seems has a good side and bad side. There is always a way to misuse everything. Satan is crafty that way. I recall the man who invented the technology for cameras in our phones and video mail simply wanted his daughter's grandparents to see their granddaughter even though they lived miles and miles away. Now pedophiles and crazy maniacs use it to take pics without our consent.

I have a big point though. We are not narcissists for wanting to stay connected with any and every one. We are not crazy for grasping at any attempt at a connection.

Why this obsession some have with Facebook, blogging, MySpace?

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy, I can only conclude that I was not made for here. ~C.S. Lewis

In Genesis, we learn that God saw that man should not be alone so he made a woman. God planted in us a desire for companionship. In that garden, in that time, for that brief moment, relationships, friendships, communication, love was perfect. There was no loneliness, there was no isolation or barrier.

And then there was the fall and we have been trying to get back to that perfect communion ever since. We have been seeking to have the relationship we were meant to have with each other ever since. Right out of the gate we saw relationships deteriorate in Cain and Able. It hasn't changed. We struggle between the desire to be great and just be accepted.

So, if I agree with anything, there is a little narcisist in all of us. Its part of our sin nature. I have at times gotten so frustrated by the lack of comments, the lack of response and tried things just to garner comments. But I don't think that is what drives us to want to connect any way we know how. I can be as lonely in a room of friends as I can be in front of this lap top. You see, God may have taken away that perfect communion but He didn't take away the burning desire or the need for it in our hearts.

We were made for deep intimate relationships and ultimately, one all important intimate relationship, our relationship with the Creator. He wants us to seek Him out, to want to have a relationship with Him. He won't force it on us and we may instead seek intimate friendships else where or worldly affirmation but we were always intended to have the desire for deep intimate relationships.

Also, as God wants us to desire after a relationship with Him and with each other, He wants us to know that He desires after a relationship with us. You see, in those moments where I am disconnected in my relationship with Him I do get a little obsessed with Facebook and the number of visitors to my blog and how many comments I get.

Because I want to matter!

I do matter!

To you? I don't know and I shouldn't care though I do. That is the result of the fall. I know it, I live with it, sometimes remember to lay it at God's feet. I try very hard to seek after Him and Him alone and at the end of the day, that is what I do because He loves me, He hears the whispers, the cries, the laughter of my heart regardless of who else hears anything emanating from me.

Someday we will have that perfect communion as we all gather together in Heaven, enjoy the splendor He is creating for us and enjoy the perfect relationships He has in store for us and I sigh in anticipation (and because I have bronchitis so I sigh a lot...then cough...oh come on, you know a little levity was needed there!) ;)

I don't know if this does anything for your own way of thinking, but as I move forward, this does bring a little peace to me about my own involvement in the web. I am thankful for all my friendships and work to keep them all, technollogically assisted or not in the proper perspective.

And as it was in the beginning, if ever there was a niche assosiated with my blog or a purpose for staying connected on Facebook then it is to know God, make God known and get to know a lot of awesome people along the way.

I added that last part. ;)