What I've been meaning too tell you.

Seeking a break this evening, Miss Wiggles asleep, Hubby working on a paper for his masters, I wondered over to the The Nester's blog and immediately felt my heart leap in recognition of her words. She shared about a book her sister has written, Grace for the Good Girl: Letting Go of the Try-Hard Life. I pre-ordered it.

You know what, that hit the pretty little nail square in the head for me. I've been trying to articulate a struggle of mine and a journey Hubby and I have been through this last year that any attempt at wording it has been impossible. Even now I may fail. Maybe what I have been searching for is a pretty little bow wrapped testimony in words I can put in a blog post a tidy up something that wasn't a tidy process in the first place.

Realization, transformation, letting go, humbling, disbelieving, stubborn, learning,personal, complicated, lots of things but not tidy.

Moving back to this little town on the Chesapeake Bay held so many possibilities for me. Some were wants that were realistic but some were not. We left a church we were leaders in to come back to a church we once were at assuming we could just fit right back into. People move on and things were different. We are different. For starters there are now three of us where when we were here a few years ago it was just us, childless and full of free time.

I wanted to be the best good girl I could be and I wanted the husband to go with it. I wanted to do the mission trips, do the walks to raise money for whoever was doing a walk for any thing and every cause, lead the college group again, get involved serving in the women's ministry.

Let me come out and say it, I wanted to be head cheerleader and I wanted my husband to be the football captain (total sanguine all the way). Ladies let me tell you that this aspiration did absolutely nothing for my marriage. I prayed and prayed for my husband's spiritual walk, for his relationship with God, I wanted him to excel but I wanted him to excel in my ways not God's ways. I didn't wait for God to work and because of that I crushed my husband and nearly undid what God was doing in him for His will and His purpose.

I am so, so, so, thankful that God is bigger than me and my sin and selfishness. But as a result of my elitist, "I'm closer to God than you are and you need to get with the program so you can lead such an awesome Christian like myself." attitude, God has taken me through such an incredible desert experience since August. The intimacy I knew with God was pulled back, the thirst for scripture, the understanding of scripture, the warm fuzzes I had for scripture all gone. I lost interest, I didn't understand it, I resented it. I felt like King Nebekenezzer lost in the wilderness unable to communicate what I could no longer understand.

I was losing the good girl mold that I only now realize I never had. I've struggled to be perfect. I've struggled to be the good girl, I've tried the DIY blog to show off my pretty house. I couldn't have babies like a good girl should. I couldn't keep my household in order like a good girl should, I couldn't be the friend, the sister, the daughter, the wife, the mother, the neighbor. It absolutely does not matter what it looked like to the outside world. Just as Emily Freeman said, I went to bed at night thinking what a failure I was.

It got bad enough to go to counseling. Several counseling sessions in, the void still intact, God still silent I decided on a psych analysis. Surely there had to be something wrong with me.

The great thing is though, through this crazy illogical time, I knew God did not leave me though He chose not to speak. I cried out with a need I had never known. I didn't seek to understand Greek like before or memorize full chapters, I just wanted to hear His voice simply for the comfort of experiencing His presence, to breath in His Holy Spirit and not to make myself feel like I was a good enough girl.

Removing my know it all attitude and my wrong thinking meant God was free to work on my husband which He did without consultation from me.

Though it isn't over and there is no final chapter in this testimony or tidy little final statement to leave with, I am realizing some amazing truths. The funny thing was in middle of my psych test I realized just how absolutely normal I am. Even if I have ADHD same as I was diagnosed with as a child (that is another post for another time) God really does love me today, right now, this evening and He will continue to tomorrow even if I do screw it up or if its normal, or if its just another day or if I rock it like no other. Basically I have a long way to go but right now I can hear my Father's whisper, "I love you."

Side note: I can't figure out why my paragraphs won't keep their space between them so just pretend there is.