Letting go.

I have an admission to make. As I continue forward in my neurotic nester tendencies, I realize my tooth brush scrubbing isn't so much about cleaning as it is about peace. I was reading Billy Coffey's blog regarding searching for peace written in that way that is so pleasant to read, you don't realize you've just gotten a spoonfull of medicine to your spirit. My scrubbing is my attempt to make that moment when I finally feel home come faster. I want to not feel new here, or fresh off the bus. I want to be settled, feel settled, be at peace and free of the unsettled feeling. My normal wall color erks me simply because it reminds me now of a cardboard box, lots of them like the ones filling my guest bedroom. They are mostly gone from every where else, but a room painted the same color makes me feel like I'm living in one. I'm sure I will get over that eventually.

I just don't feel like waiting for eventually so I scrub and scrub. I want to walk into a room and only smell our smell, open a cabinet and only smell our spices, our soaps. Its an at peace thing. I longed for my old room at Mom and Dad's when I moved to Virginia, longed for the base house when I moved to Richmond and longed for the Richmond house when I moved here. Eventually I'll settle in. I'm just tired of having to settle in. My spirit wants to be home.

And that folks is the light bulb moment. My spirit longs to be home. No house here on earth can give me that. My spirit longs for Heaven. It is the longing planted in me from the beginning, one that keeps me going through out my days. Sometimes though I take my eyes off of this goal and try to make here my goal and when I do, here is never good enough and I start scrubbing with a tooth brush. My place here is full of sin. My home in Heaven is pure, holy and clean. I don't however need to wait for there to have peace here. Jesus has already made that available to me and when I keep my eyes focused on Him, I have it, His peace. Then all my senses are at peace and not on edge. I feel myself to relax and my grip on the pinesol relax. That is a good thing because I don't like the smell of pinesol anyway.