Transformation

Update: Wow, amazing how a mistyped word changes things. I meant in the second from last paragraph that I balance what I am now, not what I am not. Oops.


I will start with the disclaimer that I love my life. I'm completely at peace with it and I wouldn't change a thing.





That said, I also loved my life three years ago. I was working my way through an internship with a nonprofit organization advocating for foster children. I volunteered on the side counseling pregnant teenagers on their choices, formulated fundraising ideas, cold called people to donate money for the cause. I was playing video games with a foster child one day and up to my elbows in case files the next. I loved the picnics and casual conversations with judges and the fundraisers adorned with center pieces I made. I did a short time as a hiring manager at an insurance company and I was awesome at it. I was seriously good at all of it.





Then we decided to add a baby to the mix. Three years and two miscarriages and a move changed things.





When we moved back to my old stomping ground this past January, the home where that old me lived, I admit I hoped against hope that that girl would be able to happen again. Yeah, not so much. I saw right off the bat that that girl had morphed into a different person, some the same but different none the less. Seasons had come and gone since then and this season definitely wasn't that season.





I was working woman in the world. Now I am a WAHM starting a business of my own that in comparison to fund raisers, judges, foster kids and pregnant teens is fluff. I make jewelry. Ok, eventually my goal is to use it to help foster children but for now it is what I call my oxygen tank.





Seriously what stay at home mom doesn't understand the importance of some kind of oxygen tank especially when your kids are so young. Sometimes the old me looks through my eyes. The one more adept at writing court reports and sees the toddler drooling and whiny. Then I take her to me desk and show her my vision and she is appeased. Then I can go back to happily playing with my drooly poopie toddler in peace.





There is more to this meditation, but that is all I have. I'm trying to figure out the balancing act of being what ever it is that I am now, mom and wife of course but there is more than that. I listen to missionaries talk about their journeys and I salivate. I drive by the court house and my eyes linger as I pass. I see the new girl at the pregnancy center and think that was my job.





I also see other moms in the grocery store, the nursery at church and I smile. I'm thankful to be where I am in my journey. I also realize its just that, a journey and I'm not done yet so I can look back at where I have been, see where I am but don't forget that there is still lots of road ahead. Along the way I pick up more me. There is the college me, the professional me, the wife me, the mom me, friend, daughter me, etc. At the very least I can say it isn't lonely and with every passing season there is more joining this road trip.